Anybody who thinks this is racist can lick my sweaty balls.
Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category
Here’s a scenario that I think will take place soon in the good ol’USA. A news flash comes on CNN.
FLASH, BREAKING NEWS!! Springfield, Illinois has been incinerated by an atomic device! Now, we switch over to Bob Blowhard, our closest reporter to the scene.
Well, I’m standing here in Palm Beach, Florida in our specially fortified CNN bunker. Tragedy has struck the fly over country….yaaaaaaaaawn……..allegedly some sort of bomb has destroyed Springfield. No information yet of the whereabouts of a Mr. and Mrs. Homer J. Simpson or their 3 children.
Ummmm….Bob…..that’s the wrong Springfield.
Now let’s turn it over to our Washington corespondent Mike Rotch who is attending a press conference by the President of the World Barack “don’t call me Hussein” Obama…obama…obama….ma….ma…ma.
Mr. super awesome person who ever lived and my life is nothing compared to you President. Can you tell us your opinion on how Springfield is holding up?
Thank you Mr. Rotch……Mike is it? Mike Rotch……bwahahahahahahahaahhaha….. Who let this guy in? Next question. Yes, Ms. Buttreeks.
Hello Dream cake…..
(whispering off stage) Rahm get that girls phone number.
Yes Ms. Buttreeks…your question?
(faints on the spot)
Next question? Ok to you Bea O’Problem
I’ve got one simple question for you Sir…..was there any possible way you and your staff, the CIA, NSA, FBI and the myriad of other organizations under your auspicious could have prevented this evil undertaking?
Investigators at the scene have determined the unnamed Right wing Extremist are to blame despite the video issued from a cave in Pakistan showing an allegedly “terrorist” driving in a container truck into the middle of Springfield, getting out of said truck, firing up a giant generator and pushing the ignite button on a big ass bomb sitting out in the open on the back of the truck. It’s been disclosed to CNN from a reliable source that “Women, Children and Minorities Hurt Worst”.
I heard this a long time ago and happened across it on the intertubes. You will never think of the word Armageddon again without busting a gut.
Motorhead Rob sent me these great ones. First is this one, where somebody creates a Google search page with the key words “Chuck Norris“. Then there’s this page of Chuck Norris facts. Some of my favorite are:
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
And my favorite: Chuck Norris once counted to infinity, Twice.
You’ve got to check out the videos too.
Thanks to Motorhead Rob for pointing out my link to “Chuck Norris” went to a not quite safe for work site. It’s not that bad really, it a site where you can select undies for your female better half and a “live” model appears on screen to model it for you. It’s a productivity killer if I ever saw one.
Who is this homely 11 year old child with the catapiller eye brows, pencil mustache and five o’clock shadow? Answer in the extended entry.
Motorhead Rob sent me this one, keep it up dude.
You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If…
…You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
…You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you canâ€™t afford shoes.
…You have more wives than teeth.
…You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
…Youâ€™ve ever had your camel repossessed.
…You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
…You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
…You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
…Youâ€™ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what youâ€™ve done with your cave.”
…You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
…Youâ€™ve ever been asked, “Does this burka make my a$$ look fat?”
I found this at one of my favorite sites. Wicked Thoughts.
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The Marine calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America ‘s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an ass. So, He sent me.”Â
Damn, Cheesehead Todd is at it again providing The Kaos Theory with content despite the fact he is absolutely delusional. He seems to think his Wisconsin Badgers football team has a shot at the BCS title this year, let alone ANY year. Todd, please take your meds.
Please review and justify.
GENTLEMEN, IT’S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL “AM I GAY?” SELF-EXAMINATION…
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog, but gay – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be
fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a
cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!”
Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko
and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is
his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard
one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Cafe Latte
with Skim” and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener
tastes like. If you’ve had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your
ass. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all
of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger,
hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat……!
When your mother told you when you were little not to take candy from strangers. This is what she was talking about. Thanks again to Motorhead Rob.
Another one from the infamous Cheesehead Todd, the dude is en fuego.
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!”Â a heavily accented voice said.Â “This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.Â I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news!Â How big
Is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself,
me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub.Â That makes eight!”
Chirac paused.Â “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!” says Paddy.Â “I’ll have to ring you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.Â “Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on.Â We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Chirac asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy’s farm tractor.”
Chirac sighs amused.Â “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.Â Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy.Â “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.Â “Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on!Â We have managed to get ourselves airborne!Â We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.Â “I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.Â My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sitesÂ And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.Â “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr.
Chirac!Â I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really?Â I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac.Â “Why the sudden change
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.”
I saw these during the St. P’s day festivities. The fourpack was hanging around the door at Barcode begging to have their picture taken and I obliged. We are ALL richer for it!
My friend Motorhead Rob sent this to me awhile ago and I forgot to post it.
The following is the winning entry from an annual
contest calling for the most appropriate definition
of a contemporary term. This year’s term:
“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”Â
Here are (allegedly) some of the finalists from a magazine’s contest to come up with the funniest or most asinine real-life memos/quotes from the business world
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning entry, from an employee at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA) Wee! Two weeks off!
“What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
“Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Quote from a marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (AT&T Long Lines Division)
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
h/t Wicked Thoughts
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two fifty, OH!
Little Miss Muffett sat on her Tuffett, eating her curds and whey, when along came a spider and sat right beside her and said, “What’s in the bowl Bitch!?
I found this at Wicked Thoughts, that place always seems to amaze me.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jack’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don’t sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who owns that?” “Do you have their phone number?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I’m not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the “vibro-motion” was a feature Jack could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked.
My brother quickly explained. “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. I hadn’t seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jack said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jack’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
My brother “The Shah”, 19th in line to be the next Shah of Iran, sent me the following ditty.Â It’s in the same vein as the previous post. Thanks Bro!
A woman is driving alone across country when she sees a Navajo woman standing by the side of the road.Â Since she is lonely for some company, she stops and asks the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.Â The Navajo woman gets in the car without a word.Â After a few minutes the driver notices that the Navajo woman has been observing everything in the car, still without speaking a word.
Finally the Navajo woman speaks.Â She says “what’s in paper bag?”Â The woman, looking down at a brown paper bag on the console next to her responds, “It’s a really good bottle of wine and I got for my husband.”
The Navajo woman thinks for a moment and responds….”Good trade.”
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
You’re A Democrat Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says the cowboy. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep. “Now give me back my dog.”
h/t to one of my favorite sites Wicked Thoughts.
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Osama bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. “No,” Osama bin Laden said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day” commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said,”Yeah, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go”.
Lifted from Wicked Thoughts.Â
Rob the poker dude/Chevelle motorhead sent this amusing bit of history.
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘ girliemen.’
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men! Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
My bud Rob the poker guru/Chevelle motorhead sent me this link. I never knew Haggar slacks were so versitile.
The Kid from Brooklyn is back and in rare form. Take a gander. Definitely NSFW.