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Archive for August, 2007

God Sends In The Marines

Friday, August 31st, 2007

I found this at one of my favorite sites. Wicked Thoughts.
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America ‘s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an ass. So, He sent me.”Â

Posted in Comedy | No Comments »

Some people are just idiots

Thursday, August 23rd, 2007

You see up here in Oregon they have this wonderful recycling plan for glass, aluminum and plastic bottles. What they do is tack on five cents per unit when you buy your drink and it’s your responsibility to return the cans or bottles at degignated recycling spot so you can get the five cents back. The spot I’ve been using for the last 6 years is our local Albertson’s Supermarket. It seems that every friggin time I go the return my bottles, the GD automated recycling machines are full. This entails me having to go into the store and notify one of the employees that the bins are full. Today, I had to do this three times before anybody came out. My time is money and I was doing this on my lunch hour so I was in a hurry. So they send out Ricky Retardo to fix the machines. Oy Vey! This guy was dumber than a stump. So he basically opens up the machine and takes a broom to sweep the contents of the bin to one side to allow more glass to accumulate, which amounts to about 2 inches of glass. He leaves grumbling about something I have no idea what. I’m thinking to myself, self, you are going to fill that up in a heartbeat. But alas he has left the broom, now I don’t have to keep running into the store and grab another denizen of the little yellow bus to come and sweep the bin. So Ricky comes back and sees me fiddling with the broom and promptly locks the damn machine up. I tell him it’s going to be full again soon so why don’t you leave it unlocked eliminating the need for me to keep bugging his sorry ass. He grumbles something about my safety or what not and leaves again. He’s not gone one minute before the damn thing indicates it’s full. At this point I’m about to lose it. I take the remaining bottles dripping with month old stinky beer into the store and make the asshats count the rest by hand all the while making sure I drip as much the beer smegma everywhere possible.

Posted in Rants | No Comments »

Happy Birthday to ME!

Monday, August 20th, 2007

Because you know, in the grand scheme of things. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!

Posted in House Keeping | No Comments »

What is the NCAA Thinking?

Wednesday, August 15th, 2007

I think the people who run College Football must have way too much time on their hands. What’s up with changing the football classifications? What was wrong with Div Ia or Div II? No, they got to go and butcher the living h*ll out of it. I mean what are the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) or NCAA Football Championship Subdivision (FCS)? This has got to be one of the most idiotic things I’ve ever heard of.

Posted in College Football | No Comments »

3 Things That can Feck Off

Friday, August 10th, 2007

1. Our Home Owners Association(HOA) is a bunch of Nazis. In order to get our house painted we must get the Reichstags approval. Yeah I know in the long run this is good because we won’t have some jackoff painting his house bright purple with pink trim. However, it shouldn’t take a friggin month to get permission to paint MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE! If the HOA actually did it’s job, it would be sighting the fucktard up the street with the dandelion front lawn or the asswipe across the street(not you Brian, the other Brian), who decided to widen his driveway by adding a concrete slab that doesn’t match the rest of his driveway.

2. In something related to this post about the baseball game we went to on Wednesday. The owners of the Portland Beavers or who ever runs the damn stadium can kiss my pink ass. $8.25 for ONE fucking 16 oz beer? You’ve got to be fucking kidding. For the price of 2 beers, I could by a case at the grocery store.

3. Me, for paying $8.25 for a damn beer.

That is all.

Posted in Misc | 1 Comment »

This is why I hate the Lame Stream Media

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

Let’s say you work for the only newspaper in town. Let’s say they provide the only one point of view on matters that are relevant to said town. Would you want to work in this building?

What does this building remind you of? A prison? A relic from the old Soviet Union? A bomb shelter? Absolutely no windows to see what is ACTUALLY happening in the REAL world. It says something about the people who work there, doesn’t it? It reminds me of when my 5 year old sticks her finger in her ears when she doesn’t want to listen to what I’m saying. Neener neener neener, I can’t and I don’t want to hear you. Just like the the Lame Stream Media.

Posted in news, Politics | No Comments »

Portland Beavers vs Memphis Redbirds

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

I took today off so we could take in a game at PGE Park, home of the San Diego Padres AAA baseball team, the Portland Beavers. Quaint stadium, great seats. We were 6 rows behind the dugout on the first base side, close enough to get in a few jabs at the umpires, who by the way, seemed to be all midgets except the home plate umpire. He must have been nine feet tall. I’ll get back to Lurch in a bit. I’ve been to a bunch of games at Chavez Ravine but I can’t remember a game with this many home runs, 6 of them including back to back jacks by the Beav’s in the 3rd to tie up the game. The best part came in the seventh when it appeared the Redbirds rally had run short. After what seemed to be the final out of the inning, a foul tip strike three caught by the catcher, the umpiring crew had a conflagration at the mound to discuss the play. Some how, I’ll find out later, they over turned the play and the Redbirds had new life. This series of events set off Beaver’s manager Rick Renteria off doing his best Billy Martin imitation to the delight of the partisan crowd. It was great. The spectators started giving all their best taunts at Lurch, I wish I could have remembered them all, they were priceless. After it was all said and done, Lurch tossed the manager, the hitting coach and the pitcher from the game. All in all a great time on my day off. Here are some pics from the day.